Friday, November 25, 2011

No matter how far away you roam

There's no place like home for the holidays…

These last couple years have been hard, to say the least. I'm a small town girl, close knit family girl. Two Decembers ago, I moved 1500 miles away from all of my friends, all of my family, and everything I had ever known. I knew I'd be okay, I had my hubby… but it was still hard. Add to the mix that I was about 10 weeks pregnant with the first grandbaby.. I said goodbye to everyone, but I had no idea that I was really saying, "Goodbye."
It was not an easy transition I'll be honest. I had no friends and only a few of Thomas's family members. I didn't know where to make friends, or who to even talk to because who would understand what I was going through? A single person? No. A married woman with no children? No. A mother? No… I was none of these. I was in between, and… I was tired..and lonely…and shy. I didn't know where to go. Three months after we moved my grandfather passed away. He had Alzheimers, so we sort of lost him a few years back, but it didn't take away the sting.. It just made going home…different. It wasn't the same place I left. In the next few months, it was like the ball had just started rolling and it wasn't stopping. I lost my other grandfather, and I wasn't able to go back home for that funeral…and that hurt. But it didn't stop there, I lost my grandmother a few months after that..and I was left with only one grandmother. Sometime in this mix we welcomed our sweet baby boy into the world and he has blessed us more than I could have ever imagined. About 6 months after Jackson was born I FINALLY started to make friends and feel at home here. I love it here.. Honestly, I do. I like my friends and I am comfortable. By far the hardest part of these last two years was losing my Dad. I've dealt with it and I know he is at peace and no longer a slave to his earthly body and is HAPPY now…but, I still really miss him. I still wish he were here and that I could hug him, and when something big happens, I just want to call him and tell him. And holidays….are pretty much the worst..

When I was growing up we used to have BIG family holidays with all of our extended family and we would all spend the night at my grandparents and have a huge meal and then sleep in the next day and wake up and do what else??? Eat a big breakfast of course! Isn't that what the holidays are about? Eating?!? No, just me?!?! Okay, well… I think they are! As we got older and our family got bigger and everyone kind of spread apart and moved to different places, we started to do holidays with just our immediate family. I LOVED holidays with just was fun, it was intimate, and we could stay in our pajamas all day! We would spend all day laughing and cooking. My dad was in charge and he would divide up the jobs…my sister did the stuffing mainly because she loooooves stuffing! My brother did the basting of the turkey, and always ended up peeling the potatoes, the job everyone hated. We all had jobs and we all worked together and just laughed. We ate turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and rolls, all smothered in glorious, rich, wonderful gravy that my mom was the QUEEN of.. oh…and…cranberry sauce..but, really, no one ever ate it. And we fought over the turkey skin. And we drank sparkling apple cider, even when we were over 21… because it's just fun. And we drank it out of fancy glasses…in our pajamas.

While I am so grateful for my husband's family and love spending time with them and holidays with them.. I miss this. And it's killing me that we'll never get to do this again. So, all I can do is move forward, as this grief process goes I suppose….I hope that one day I can raise my family and start a tradition of sleeping in, staying in your pajamas, and spending the day crammed in the kitchen together…laughing. And….eating. Lots and lots of eating.

the end

ps, I kind of want another baby :)


  1. Another baby?!?!?! Noooo, we were supposed to be ready together and I'm not ready! Haha, actually as time goes on I want another less and less, I love our family dynamic right now....I can imagine holidays would be hard missing loved ones. So happy you had your mom with you to take comfort in each other.

  2. me and you have so much in common annie, when i got married and moved 2 az, it was like i lost everything, and just like u it felt like every1 started 2 pass away, but i suppose in a sense it was easier 4 me 2 deal with those deaths cuz 2 me "they were just home in cali" they never really seem gone 2 me, but when i do get 2 cali the sad reality of it all kicks in...our family was a huge gathering every holiday, and now its like they blame me 4 not getting 2gether on the holidays but if i can count (and i know i can) theres still 4 out there and just 1 of me out here.
    anyways i have alot of kids because i want the BIG family gatherings, even if it is just me and my lil (BIG) family :) eventually u'll get so used 2 having your own life (away 4rm them) that it becomes simple, but dont get me wrong, i MISS MY SISTERS like crazy, and none of us r close anymore (the separation of losing a parent) and i can b 100% honest when i say this Annie, @ times i miss my dad like crazy, and my <3 aches 4 him and i wanna just pick up the phone and call him 2, but IT DOES GET EASIER i promise, whether its me avoiding the ache or idk but it does feel will b ok. o ya and i TOTALLY understand the "HIS FAMILY" thing, weve only got brys fam out here 2